Why do you steal my mind whenever you're around?

I'm so annoyed at you. Frustrated.
Go away. Leave me alone. I don't want anything to do with you.
I don't want to talk to you. I don't want to be near you.
I don't want to see you. I don't want to share things with you.
I almost hate you. I want to hit you. I wan't you to disappear.
I'm so angry at you. I'm so disappointed in you.
How could you? What did I do to deserve this?
I thought you wouldn't hurt me. You shouldn't have done that.
You  couldn't hurt me right?
Why did you do that.
Why?


Wait a minute. No! Stop!
Don't leave. Come back.
Don't stop talking to me. Don't stop associating with me.
Don't leave me behind!
I feel so alone. Come back now.. please.
I don't hate you. I love you. Please turn around.
Don't abandon me, I'm sorry.
I love you - isn't that enough?
I'm not upset anymore, please come back.
I'm sorry, please, I love you.
Turn around, don't leave me, I need you.
But I love you so much, I'm clinging on to you now - is it too late?


Sometimes I wonder why I'm so afraid to talk about Jesus on my blog. The biggest day of my life so far this year has been the day I got baptised. May 15th 2011! Yet I have like three lines on my blog  because unfortunately I was ashamed to write about it.

What is wrong with me?! BUT, things have changed. Why? Because -

"... I am not ashamed of the gospel, for it is the power of God for salvation to everyone who believes it..." - Romans 1:16

The random dialogue above is a dream I had.
First perspective - non christian's POV
Second perspective - process of becoming a Christian.

Before I became a Christian, I often blamed God for things that happened in my life. I blamed God for the fact that I didn't get into OC. Blamed him for the fact that I didn't get into a better selective school. Blamed him because I failed the maths test. Blamed him for the fact that everyone else seemed to have better things. Blamed him because I didn't get into Med. Blamed him because I didn't go to the same uni as my friends.

Blamed him for all sorts of things. I never wanted to take responsibility for ANYTHING I did. It was always someone else's fault and if no one could be blamed I would blame God.

********

Soon enough the blaming got tiring and I started to really see and understand things around me. I started to cling to Jesus more and more. But I was scared - what if he had abandoned me? What if he didn't love me anymore. What if it was too late?

Hebrews 13:5-6 "Let your conduct be without covetousness, and be content with such things that you have, for he has said, 'I will never leave you, nor forsake you,' so that we may boldly say, 'The Lord is my helper, and I will not fear what man shall do to me.'" 


There you have it. No matter how disgusting, wretched, terrible, menacing, frightening, obnoxious etc I am, Jesus will never leave me or forsake me. He'll continue to love me. That alone is enough to get me through anything. That by itself is enough for me to rejoice in my suffering.

Why can I rejoice? Because for Christ's sake, when I am weak - then I am strong! ( 2 Cor 12:10)